10 miscarriages later.. Some Do's and Don'ts

Since I posted my blog last week, the response has been completely overwhelming. Your messages in my inbox, my emails and the words from friends were completely heartening and uplifting. There was one particular mother who completely blew me away and now she is writing this blog for all my amazing Bellies & Beyond followers. We mothers are so tough on ourselves and feel threatened by anything perceived as weakness and this makes our
struggles even greater. Lets stop pushing all these issues underground and speak up to help heal ourselves and others..

After recently reading a blog by an inspirational mum who 'came out' about experiencing PND after the birth of her second child I felt moved to write about another stigma, one, that if more openly discussed would empower  the women experiencing emotions that are associated with infertility , miscarriage and stillbirth to feel somewhat normal.

A couple of nights ago on New Year's Eve as I was clearing up from dinner, a loud raucous affair with family and friends I casually remarked that it had been 12 years to the day that I had experienced my first miscarriage. My announcement was met with a combination of silence and some very quick subject changing. It appeared that even my closest family and friends were not going to go there. Inappropriate party discussion? Or inappropriate altogether? Seems mystifying when 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. My first miscarriage unfortunately was not my last and after my second child was born I experienced another 9 miscarriages. 3 years of my life disappeared in a fog of grief and loss. Friendships were lost, others strengthened but through it all I was unable to share with anyone just how devastated and diminished I was.

Most women who experience miscarriage or infertility will do so in an environment of perceived baby making bliss. Friends, sisters and cousins will seamlessly be conceiving carrying and delivering healthy beautiful babies, what nobody talks about is how long it took to conceive these precious bundles nor of how many babies might have been lost along the way.

Miscarriage is still one of society’s greatest sources of disenfranchised grief. Maybe it is because no one really knows what causes a miscarriage often leaving the woman feeling that it is something that she must have done From a personal and a professional level I have both experienced and seen women finding bizarre and outlandish reasons to explain why they miscarried, perhaps the best ‘worst’ reason was the woman who knew she had eaten 1 too many bags of twisties in the early days of her pregnancy. As a counsellor now and having worked through years of pain myself, I can confidently say that no one sets out to miscarry and that when it happens there is nothing to be ashamed of.

So why then does no one talk about how they feel when their baby dies? I wish someone would have spoken to me and told me that feeling utter despair, gut wrenching sadness and impassioned anger was all normal. Why did no one reach out and tell me that they understood that I was fragile, that they could empathise with my belief that I would never have another baby that they could understand that my confidence was gone but that one day with time it would not feel so bleak. Is it because as a society we cannot cope with other people’s pain or is it a lack of education that prevents people from responding helpfully?

When an old or sick person dies there are phrases that can be delivered to loved ones to make them feel better – ‘They have gone to a better place”, “they are no longer suffering”, “they lived a good life” and on and on but when a pregnancy ends or a baby dies these phrases are inappropriate and for the most part are replaced with platitudes that are useless to the grieving parent, - :it wasn’t meant to be”, “it’s better now than later”, “there must have been a problem”, “it’s god’s way” … I can tell you having heard them all and then some these one liners are unhelpful and offer no support or solace.

I know that I cannot revolutionise the stigma surrounding miscarriage but for anyone reading this on either side of the fence here is some advice.

 If you have had a miscarriage -:

It’s ok to feel completely devastated

It’s ok to hide away from well-meaning family and friends and give yourself space to process and grieve your loss. You have not only lost your baby but all the hopes and dreams that you had for your child.

It’s ok to be the green eyed monster and be jealous of anyone who has a baby or announces a new pregnancy

It’s ok to have days where all you do is cry even a few months after the miscarriage

Its ok to feel disconnected from your other children, this does not make you a bad parent

It’s ok to grieve differently to your partner and to let them know that you are not coping

It’s ok to get ridiculously angry for no reason at all

It’s ok to feel like you need to control every other aspect of your life

It’s ok to question why this happened to you

It’s ok to lose your confidence in other areas of your life

It’s ok to feel like a failure as a woman

It’s ok to believe that you will never have a baby

It’s ok to be obsessed with conceiving another baby

It’s ok to never want to try and have another baby

It’s ok to want to obsessively hold and cuddle other people’s babies

It’s ok to not want to even look at anyone else’s baby

It’s ok to want someone to guarantee that it will never happen again and Its ok to feel completely out of control when no one can do this

It’s ok to feel none of the above and to move on from the experience with little effect to your life.

For most people a miscarriage or a stillbirth (pregnancy that ends after 20 weeks) is a devastating event, unfortunately for people who have not been through something similar it is hard to understand how you can be devastated or miss someone that you never even knew. If you are reading this as a support person here are some suggestions for things to say and do and also some advice on what is unhelpful. -:

Offer practical support, cooking, cleaning and looking after other children

Listen without feeling like you need to say something to take the pain away (there is nothing that you can say)

Avoid platitudes, no parent who has lost a pregnancy feels like it was for the best

Don’t force the person to do things like go shopping because you think that they need to get out of the house.

Don’t panic if it feels like all they do is cry, grief and depression are NOT the same thing and most people who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth will not become depressed

Don’t avoid talking about the pregnancy in case you upset them, they are upset anyway

Don’t offer helpful suggestions of what they could do differently next time it only serves to reinforce the feeling that they did something wrong this time

Don’t force them to move on, most people do so anyway but for everyone the time that this takes is different

Don’t feel like you have to announce other peoples’ pregnancies, eventually they will hear about their friends’ pregnancies – you cannot protect them from the pain.

Encourage them to seek professional counselling help, sometimes just 1 or 2 sessions with a professional who understands can be invaluable.

Whilst the above lists are comprehensive they are by no means exhaustive. We are all individuals and will process the emotions surrounding devastating experiences differently. If I have learnt anything on my journey it is that no 2 people are the same, no one can share in exactly how you are feeling and no one can tell you that everything will be ok. I do know unequivocally though that time is a great healer and that experiencing sadness reinforces resilience, I also know without a doubt that if more people shared honestly about their experiences of miscarriage there would be less stigma surrounding what is a common everyday experience when you are trying to have a baby.

Terry Diamond is a 41 year old mum of 3. After experiencing many years of secondary infertility and loss she returned to study counselling in the hope that she could help other women experiencing similar problems. She has worked as a bereavement counsellor in the infertility and loss field for 5 years dealing specifically with pregnancy loss from conception to the age of 6. She works in private practice in Sydney’s Eastern suburbs and can be contacted on 0414990243

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca Abraham, known to clients as a "baby expert". Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for. 

Rebecca has completed the Gentle Sleep Coach course which is a one of the most comprehensive and few dedicated sleep courses in the world, learning from Kim West herself as well as top lactation specialists, newborn experts and several leading paediatrians.

Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child. 

Most importantly, she is a mother to two sleeping beauties Mikah and Rafaella.

Like Bellies and Beyond on Facebook for sleep tips and to connect with Rebecca. 

It won't be like this forever...

I often am reluctant about blogging about anything that personal because I'm very conscious of the fact that one day my girls will be able to read whatever I put out into the cyber universe. By the time they can read they will probably be able to download it straight it to their glasses or whatever Apple will think of next, but however it may present - they will know what their mother thought in January 2014.


So let me open with.. Rafaella - you are the most loved princess. You have stolen my heart and you completely own it. Don't forget that. But... I want to tell other mothers about the rough time I had with you just in case there is another mother sitting at home feeling the same way. Your name means healer and maybe you might just do exactly that even at age one. Heal someone. 

My friends and family know that Rafaella came as a big surprise. Let me take you back to before I had Mikah. We tried and eventually were told by our fertility specialist that it was unlikely we would ever conceive naturally, "maybe if you tried for 20 years you MIGHT have one baby" was the exact words of the doctor. Then it happened - we had one our one baby, Mikah! We were thrilled, we had her and obsessed over her and just after her first birthday found out that we were pregnant again..WHAT!


This is where everything changed.. When I broke the news to my parents I asked them to not even hug me, I wasn't ready for excitement, no one was allowed to be happy until I was. I was freaking out.. We were about to move away for 6 months, my husband works very long hours, we couldn't afford another baby, we would have to move to a bigger place, Mikah was still just a baby herself... the list went on and on. I really felt guilty when my mind started wondering over to "I've just lost all the weight. As if I want to actually get fat again". With every thought I felt worse and worse about myself. I kept saying to myself "if you had told infertile Bec that she would have two babies in two years, SHE would have been delighted".

I then moved to a rural country town because of my husbands job. I resented my pregnancy because I had a hernia and was told not to lift, yep great! I had a 17 month old baby that hadn't decided to start walking yet. I was filled with anxiety about what lay ahead. I kept hoping that as soon as I gave birth to my beautiful baby I would just fall madly in love and I would live happily ever after.

Kind of happened but not really... 

I had a wonderful labour which resulted in the most empowering moment of my life where I actually got to reach down and pull out my baby and bring her onto my naked chest where at once she started feeding (Kardashian Fans doesn't it sound familiar..Yes I am basically Kourtney). I was thrilled that it was another girl and left hospital on the morning of day 3 because I just couldn't wait to be at home with my beautiful family. I even stopped off on the way home for lunch with my very newborn in a cafe. By the next morning I was out at Fox Studios with my family. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing and was my best coping mechanism for the first week or so.  

Things changed really quickly though and my friend adrenalin fused into my enemy exhaustion. The days rolled into the nights and the nights into the next day. I kept thinking of that atrocious Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day where he finds himself repeating each day again and again... eventually he looks at his life and his priorities and has some epiphanies. I didn't get to that insightful part - I didn't have the energy to think deeply, I felt like I was a robot and just had to perform repetitive commands. Breastfeed baby, dress older child, pour milk and cereal, put baby to sleep, give Mikah attention, put Mikah to sleep, take both to coles etc etc... and somewhere in there I still had to shower and dress and be a wife, a daughter, a friend, run a home... It wasn't long before I began to feel overwhelmed. I was sinking into this awful despondency and soon each day felt like a relentless and repetitive tidal wave flowing over me... the minutes, hours, days, weeks were difficult to distinguish... the aim of each day was simply to survive and rise above these feelings... it was exhausting, life was suffocating me...

I also remember seeing my mum leave my house in tears... she was nothing but help and support for me but as soon as I said that I was hating this whole experience she immediately got upset. She was so disappointed and angry about my self-pity. Initially I was upset with her, I felt like it wasn't her place to get upset. I was the one was entitled to be upset. I was the one having the hard time. I was the one waking up for kids. I was the one not coping. But at that stage of my life I had in a way become like a toddler, I couldn't see beyond myself. I now understand how upsetting it would be to see your daughter not enjoying her little children, her little miracles that she believed she couldn't have. It led to more guilt..I was drowning in guilt. 

I started my own little mantra that I would find myself repeating over and over when I needed to. "It won't be like this forever". I would take a minute when things felt overwhelming to calm myself and keep saying it. I taught it to my husband and I think he adapted to me rather than the kids, "she won't be like this forever". Earl if you are reading this (which you better be!) YOU. WERE. FABULOUS. What would I do without you my amazing rock!

The perfect mother. (Not ME)

Then the trifecta happened, severe reflux/allergies/asthma. More medicines, constant screaming (for Rafaella and for me) and of course profound exhaustion. I remember asking my husband who is actually a Dr.. "is this normal, am I meant to feel like this"...but as soon as the words had come out my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I wanted to be the omnipotent woman that he would be proud to call the mother of his children. I didn't want to stress him out even more than he was. 

In hindsight, the best thing I could have done for myself, my husband and my children was to march myself off to the dr and seek professional help but I saw it as being weak. I now know that I definately dabbled in some aspects of anti-natal and post-natal depression. I wasn't connecting with Rafi like I had with Mikah. I of course loved her insanely but I wasn't able to tap into the joy that she gave me. It didn't come as naturally or as quickly. Which brings me to the message I wanted to get through to other mothers that may be feeling like this... You don't have to be sitting in a room by yourself and crying at every moment to know that you need help. There is so much help available - take it! Don't be too proud! Don't think it makes you a weak mother but rather realise that this makes you the best mother in the world. It is actually something that brings mothers of all generations together. 50 years ago they called it a nervous breakdown, now its known as PND and by the time my girls are of child bearing age it will probably be called something else (and there will probably be an Iphone App to help it!). 

The Raising Children Network says that PND is caused by a combination of biological, psychological and social factors. It really changed my spirit. It took me from being a spirited, happy, relatively chilled mother into someone that struggled to enjoy and be content with myself. It made me feel guilty and anxious and just disappointed with myself. It was a general feeling of inadequacy. I can't even imagine what really bad PND would do to a mother because mine was truely just a dabble but it was bad enough that its taken me the better part of a year to talk about it. 

So thank you for reading this, even writing this has helped to heal me. I feel like I can look back at it as the past and now focus on the future. See Rafi..More healing. 

Rafaella is known to me as "my cherry on top". Mikah was my ice-cream Sundae and Rafaella was the bonus cherry on top. She melts me on a daily basis. So Rafi if you are reading this off some new apple I-something please know that you are so loved and and I thank the heavens for you daily. I still sometimes catch myself saying my mantra but in a whole different context. Those moments when you put your head on my shoulder when you are tired I remind myself that it won't be like this forever, when you are clingy and just want me I remember that it won't be like this forever and when you smile every morning when I walk in to take you out of your cot I have to pinch myself that it won't be like this forever.

Forever your loving mummy, 

Sweet Dreams my beautiful Rafaella Noa,

If you or anyone you know are experiencing any PND symptoms please seek immediate help from a health professional, and also have a look at www.panda.org.au. They are a fabulous organisation and really can help you. 

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca Abraham, known to clients as a "baby expert". Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for. 

Rebecca has completed the Gentle Sleep Coach course which is a one of the most comprehensive and few dedicated sleep courses in the world, learning from Kim West herself as well as top lactation specialists, newborn experts and several leading paediatrians.

Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child. 

Most importantly, she is a mother to two sleeping beauties Mikah and Rafaella.

Like Bellies and Beyond on Facebook for sleep tips and to connect with Rebecca. 

My daughter has no shoes..

My older daughter left hospital wearing shoes. Literally wearing shoes. Yes my nipples were bleeding and I had those sore, hot, hard, porn star boobs but I still managed to whip out some fab shoes. Oh and not to mention that and I had 2 stitches in my who-ha and the thought alone of going to to the toilet made me want to curl up in feotal position myself.. but I actually had the time to put shoes on my daughter. Don't believe me? Here's the photo to prove it.

This is Mikah, 4 days old, sitting in the hospital cafe in a gorgeous Petit Bateau little number, Bonds leggings and Country Road booties. Well don't mind if I do! She was my real life doll and I had dressed her up and loved every second of it.

Rafaella has worn shoes twice EVER (she's one in 2 weeks). Once it was my birthday and we had a birthday party so I felt the need to at least look like everyone was presentable and that I was totally coping, and the other time I run out of clean socks and I was worried about her little piggies getting cold. 
 And to me this symbolises the difference between having one child and two. The first child wears shoes. 

My baby girl Rafaella is turning one in two weeks and I've been racking my brain about what I can get her as a present. It's been a tough year given that my age gap wasn't nearly as big as I had wanted it to be, my baby-dadda was away for the first few months of her life and then the worst part was that she had what I now call the tri-fecta.. Reflux/Allergies/Asthma. O-M-G. I really wanted to think up something nice, that she didn't have to share with her sister, that she could have now and later and something I thought she would actually appreciate..Hard criteria right? Well I decided that my present for her would be that I would make her nursery beautiful. Enter judgement looks now. This was something I had loved doing for her older sister throughout my pregnancy and then with my second - it had totally been overlooked.

When I was pregnant with my first, I looked at magazines to draw inspiration for wallpapers, wall stickers, different cots and change tables, a beautiful hanging mobile that all tyed into my wonderful owl theme. I thought about this and then felt guilty looking around my little one's room. A cot, a change table, a nappy bin, a sofa couch because we didn't know where else to put it and wait for it.. yes there were baby photos of her older sister framed on the wall. Shocking I know! 
It made me start thinking about the differences between a first and second child.

1. Photos. Starting with the ultrasound photos, First child were collaged very neatly on the fridge. With the second, you don't have any..not because you can't find them - you didn't feel the need (or have the time) to go to the scan! The baby was thank g-d kicking around in there so you didn't need them so often. You would after all meet them soon enough. Which brings me to another difference. I sent hubby out the morning I had my first. Yes, I knew labour was coming on but I still beared the pain alone at home so that he could go and buy a new camera. What did number 2 get... Just a few quick snaps on the Iphone.

2. Classes. By the time my first was 1 she had attended 2 terms of weekly swimming lessons, been to a regular rhyme time at the library and was already considered quite musical from all the instruments she had been playing. She was also so social from the TWO different mothers groups I had joined. Number 2 sees other children when I have coffee with their mothers. A.much.needed.coffee. I continue to justify that she has a sister to play with - what do I need all those drooly babies over at my house with their snotty germs and sticky fingers!

3. Well read and researched beliefs. With my first, I felt very strongly about certain issues like steralising, breastfeeding VS bottle feeding, baby led weaning, helicopter parenting VS tiger parenting, quiet time before bed, baby massage, home made food......I'm actually laughing as I'm writing this because its hilarious to me. It's not that I don't care, its that I'm too tired to feel strongly about absolutely anything really. It is survival mode now. Whatever get's you through the day - that's what I feel passionate about now! (Who even has time to read anything other than children's books now).

4. Toys. First child had every educational toy out there. I made sure she had a range of toys that would help develop language, fine and gross motor skills, hand/eye coordination. No aspect of play was random. Now, my little one's favourite toys are a packet of wipes and my keys. Practical things that are always on hand and that her older sibling doesn't swipe from her.

5. Feeding. When I was breastfeeding my first this was bonding time. I would sit quietly at home and just look down at my beautiful baby. If I had to feed out, I would take out my beautifully clean breast feeding cover and order a coffee and modestly sit at a cafe while I took an hour to feed, burp and then feed some more. With number 2, I would often look at myself and wonder what had happened to me. I often looked at myself in this crazy state, boob slung out the top of my singlet, feeding..while pushing the big one on the swing AND throwing the ball to the dog. Another time in Coles..pushing the trolley with the big one inside the trolley holding on for dear life to the eggs and the little one in the Bjorne feeding away. Can you actually imagine! Nothing emotional about it...means to and end. She needed a feed and I needed to do things. And now dinner time is all about plonking a whole heap of leftovers on the tray of the highchair and hoping its somewhat nutritionally balanced.

6. The Dr. Baby number one can often learn the names of all family members and included in that is often your local GP's name. I think mine was even on speed dial. Baby number 2 gets every sickness from their older sibling and still only will get seen to if it happens to be around vaccination time. Which is often weeks late because you either completely forgot or wern't quite sure how many months old they actually were.

7. Sleep. Ok this one is hard for me to admit given that I am a fab sleep consultant (if I may say so myself). I advise all my clients of the perfect routine for their age group, I know it inside out by now. And let me just state for the record before I go on that BOTH my girls are brilliant sleepers (thank gd!). My first had a perfect routine..it was printed up on the fridge and all grandparents were given a copy so there was no confusion. GULP! Here goes...Here's my confession - the days that I have both kids I make sure my baby pushes through all morning so that she is on the same schedule as the older one so that I actually get a break. (see point number 3 - its all about survival). Well that's not completely true, she has 2 choices. Either she can wait till lunch time to have a sleep OR she can choose to fall asleep wherever she can find some peace and quiet, be it the car, the floor, wherever! But she is not going into that cot or they will be tag teaming all day with their sleeps and I'll never leave the house. 

8. Milestones. I remember a couple of years ago changing my facebook status to "I HAVE A CRAWLER!". I wanted everyone to share my excitement that my baby was navigating her own way around now. I used to sit on my couch and just watch those chubby rolly polly legs and fat little fingers pivot around the lounge room to her many toys. That was for my oldest. For my youngest, the day she started crawling I actually mourned for myself. Every sentence started with "I won't..." or "How will I..." I won't be able to go to the park and leave her on a blanket.. I won't be able to have a shower anymore and know she is sitting outside safely. How will I do the washing while she is awake. How will I ever sit down again". I wasn't excited for her, I worried how I could cope with the status change.

All I can say is G-d help my third child! (Hubby if you are reading this...don't worry its in a looooonggg time! Really this time). Yes there are very clear differences between number one and two, more than I can ever write. But I wouldn't change a thing and neither would they. At the end of the day I have given them both the best gift ever and that is each other. There is NOTHING in this entire world that is better to me than when I can sit back and watch them laugh and play together. They are the priceless moments that sometimes really help me to cope. 

Sweet dreams, (and a massive congrats to my friend Shoonks who had her 2nd little boy today)
 
Bec x

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au. Please like my page on Facebook Bellies and Beyond.
Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for.Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child

No mother has her shit together.

What I thought I would be like as a
 mother before having kids

I know the comment should have made me feel like I'd finally made it as a mother and for a second it did, but the next second I realised that I had done a shocking thing.. Here's the comment I received after one of my last blogs "you seem to have it so together. You even write articles about it". I bet even if you reread it you won't even be able to work out why I was so upset about this statement. There were more, and one by one I felt more disappointed in myself "Bec, your an amazing mother, you have the most wonderful take on parenting", "How good are you" and it went on.. And as the comments kept rolling in I felt more and more ashamed. Here's why....

Motherhood is tough. It's no joke. Yes it about loving these beautiful tiny humans that I take pride in having created but I don't have time to sit and dwell on that during the day because I'm just too busy. Busy wiping bums, looking for a lost shoe, being ordered around by my 2 year old, stopping my 10 month old from putting another leaf in her mouth (my friend actually found a flower in her mouth the other day - true story), singing to annoying songs that get stuck in my brain for days and participating in pretend play for so long that I do start wondering whats actually reality. 

Sometimes motherhood is just about coping. Its being able to laugh at yourself when you reach into your bag to get your business card and you pull out a half eaten cruskit, a crayon, a used wipe and something else so sticky and you don't even know what it was. I've had days where I put them to bed at  night and just congratulate myself on having fed the children three nutritious meals and kept them alive another day. I shut their doors and expect a standing ovation and some kind of award ceremony. I don't congratulate myself on how I taught them to be upstanding, god fearing, well rounded, well adjusted, happy children. No I congratulate myself for KEEPING THEM ALIVE peoples! Because sometimes that's all that I can hope for. 

So I realised that I've committed a few sins and I'm going to fess up to you. I've made you believe that I have my shit together and I really don't. 
SHIT TOGETHER LIE #1: Dry Shampoo. I go through a bottle a week. So when you ask me how do I get time to get the girls ready in the morning, get dressed and shower and wash my hair. I didn't. Fake it till you make it. Dry Shampoo it all the way. 
SHIT TOGETHER LIE #2: Instagram. Just remember I'm not posting photos of Rafaella's reflux vomit  artistically painted all the way down my back. No, I'm posting photos of being out for drinks with my husband, or chilling at the Western in Seminyak. 
SHIT TOGETHER LIE #3: I cope with the balance of work/motherhood. This is where I feel like I have failed all Bellies and Beyond mothers and I am completely all about the working mother. I raise my fist and say power to the working mama! I have received a few messages asking me how I have managed to work and have kids. Those that also know me well know that my hubby (Gd love him) works insane hours. Let me tell you, I.HAVE.A.POSSE.OF.HELP behind me. I have a might ducks formation of fam backing me up. I am so lucky that I am surrounded by people that love to take care of my kids. So lets shut that one down right now..my shit is only somewhat together because of the posse.

This is what I've decided. Next time your at a play date and the mother pulls out her homemade bread with her homemade half peanut butter, half free-nut butter, take a deep breathe and don't go into the head space of omg how does she get time for everything...remember whats important! And the next time your giving your child delicious, processed packet food and the other mum giving their child organic, wheat free, gluten free, salt free, sugar free, everything free snacks.. don't let her give you those judgemental eyes and make you feel like a neglectful mother. Don't be down on yourself because you didn't think of that. Yes she's got the food thing down pat but she probably doesn't have her shit together in so many other ways. 

From now on I want you to look at me and see my tired eyes because my baby needed a few extra cuddles throughout the night, I want you to look at my clothes and realise that yes I might be wearing a Sass & Bide top, but I also wore it yesterday (and possibly even the day before) because Rafi was too frustrated on the floor to play so I had to hold her and I didn't have time to choose a new outfit. Look at my house and you'll see its a mess.. I couldn't get my shit together to clean my dishes because half way through it Mikah wanted to have a tea party with me and I couldn't (and didn't want to) say no. You'll see loads of dirty laundry piling up because I dug a hole in the dirt and made it mud so we could all have fun making mud cakes together..

Can you see what I'm trying to say? Mothers who don't have their shit together make for the most fantastic mothers. They are the ones that are spending every waking minute wondering how they can make their children's lives that much more magical. They are the ones that are trying to enhance every moment and make memories that last forever (for both mother and child). They are the ones that are not the teachers but rather the students, they are learning from their children about whats truly important in life. 

So next time you are overwhelmed and comparing yourself to the mother who seems to have it all together, just remember - Mothers who don't have their shit together are the best mothers of all. 

Sweet Dreams, 

BEC x

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for.Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child

Daylight savings is your friend..Embrace it! (Tips to calm your nerves)

Daylight savings confuses the crap out of me.. I can never remember which way we are turning the clocks and what it all means to our kids. Let me give you the key line to this whole blog straight up in case your too tired to read the whole article. YOU WILL GET A NICE SLEEP IN FROM YOUR CHILDREN. Your welcome!

For all the mothers that have had issues with waking early - you'll love this time! BUT be warned, the flip side is that we have to get our kids to bed at what is a whole hour earlier and for some, the sun may still be shining which will confuse your baby and aggravate your toddler so for all mothers of 2/3 year olds - expect the stalling to be extreme. The requests for an extra glass of water, (then a change of pajamas when they pour the water all over them) or an "extra book please" or my daughters favourite "a poos coming"..your going to hear all of them because they are simply not so tired.

So here's some tips for all you stressed out mummies..
1. Make sure napping in the lead up to the change is adequate - you really don't want them to be overtired before we even make the change.
2. Make sure to take your baby outside first thing in the morning and throughout the day. Ensure that they get as much fresh air as possible so you can start to reset their internal clock.
3. Know that it is likely only going to take maximum a week to adjust. Thats not too bad huh! Try and be a little flexible and patient with them. It's even hard for us as adults to get out heads around it..cut them a little slack.
4. If you think the light is making it difficult for your child to fall asleep then consider investing in black out shades. My girls both have rooms that is so dark its like the casino - you never know if its day or night :) You can get these at any good baby stores that suction onto the window or just buy the material from spotlight and stick it up with double sided tape.
5. Watch for sleep cues! You might have to look for them a little more carefully than normal.
6. If possible dim lights in the house and start wind down time a little earlier, you can't expect them to be playing outside in the sun one minute and the next marching off to bed.  
7. Just pretend that nothing has changed. In the past, I had felt that for the weeks leading up to it you can slowly change sleep times by moving it in 15 minute incremements but what I find is that you just have several bad weeks, its not worth it! Just do whatever you normally do, mealtimes and naptimes will fall into place after a few days. 

It really isn't going to be as bad as you think it will (we'll talk in a few months when clocks go to the other way...)

Sweet Dreams,
BEC

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Making sure my girls are getting lots of fresh air...

The day my 2 year old had her last smoke...

Ok not really. But it felt like that. 

I am a sleep consultant that is pro dummy. Very. Pro. Dummy.

I truely believe that when it works for you and your child can "replug" as I like to call it - then it can be the best invention since sliced bread, possibly even better because lets face it sliced bread doesn't help you sleep at night and the dummy does. BUT if you decide not to wean them off it as a baby then you need to wait until they understand they are getting rid of it. When you can negotiate it and do it on their terms. 

So let me tell you Mikah's Terms and Conditions..

She asked me for a Big Girl Bed and I told her that she could have a bed when she was ready to stop the dummy (which she called her Diddi and so thats how we are going to refer to it from now). I told her that blankies can go to the big girl bed but a diddi definately could not. So she thought about this for a few days and then woke up one day and told me she wanted her big girl bed and no more diddis. PANDAEMONIUM! So much to do....

But just before I got people into build the bed I just wanted to make sure she understood me and knew that also meant throwing away all her diddis. I asked her "If you want a big girl bed you then there's no more diddis, ok?". She nodded. I said "Mikah, we are going to throw them in the bin after your next nap time then?"I looked at her little face and it was hurt. She was offended and I realised very quickly why.. these dummys were her comfort for as long as she could remember, she had them in bed with her for every sleep and really loved them..who was I to throw them in the bin?!?!? 

So then I gave her some options: (Feel free to steal any of these ideas for your own toddler)

"Mikah would you like to take them to the little room at Kindy and give them to all the babies that might need them?' "Nooooooo" was her answer. 

"Mikah would you like to put them in an envelope and post them to other children that don't have such beautiful diddis". "NO!" she said very quickly.

"Mikah would you like to throw them in the ocean so the fishies can have diddis to help them sleep?" "Nooooo mummy thats silly, fishies don't need diddis". She laughed at me.

I knew I had to get it now.. I started worrying she was going to call the whole thing quits. So I said "Mikah would you like to bury them in a hole in our garden so that we can grow a diddi tree?""YESSSS mummy"she shouted so excitedly. "And Mikah would you like to have a party so that everyone can come and see what a big girl you are?" "YESSSSSSSSSS". 

Phewwwwww! So Mikah and I got to making invitations for the family to come over and see our Diddy Burial Ceremony. I felt that she needed to be a part of all of this.

                                                

So we spent the morning talking about it (and me quickly trying to organise people to come and build the bed that had been in the box in my garage for weeks and then going and buying sheets and all bed paraphernalia). I knew that it all had to happen TODAY. She had decided that it was time and I had to respect that and support her on her first big life decision she had ever made. 

Nap time came and I reminded her it was her last time in the cot and with the diddis and after she woke up it would be time for the Didi Burial Ceremony and then she would sleep in her new bed. She nodded excitedly.

In all the madness of getting everything organised I hadn't stopped to realise what a big deal this was. Thank g-d my family is so supportive and came straight after work. It was time. Mikah came to me and said "Mummy I don't want to be a big girl anymore. I want to be a baby". I almost broke down in tears at this stage but kept it together for her. "Mikah mummy is so proud of you. Just so proud". We then had the ceremony and let me warn you before you see these photos, they are graphic. 

Walking to the hole with dummys and shovel

All going well with Mikah throwing them in

Until the very last one.

"Not yet mummy. I want one"

"Let me have one more suck mummy"
This was when I realised that it was like her last smoke. She was trying to make it last.

By this point my guilt was at a maximum. I had done this to her and now I was the one taking it away. I just kept reminding her that I was so proud of her and that I loved her so much. I decided that once the last one was in I would give her a cuddle and then we would turn it in to something really positive and focus on the excitement rather hanging around with a dirty mess and diddis gone forever. So we ran inside to see the Big Girl Bed and everyone got building it and again we included her in the process. 

Eventually the bed was done and it was sleep time. We said goodbye to the family, Mikah admittedly was overtired and overwhelmed from the really emotional day. She wanted to be cuddled and I was happy to just hold her. Remember that in the grand scheme of life of course this is not a big deal at all but in her little life this was the biggest and hardest day. After 20 mins she allowed me to leave her with the promise that I will come and check on her (something she had never asked for her before) and then an hour later I checked on her and she was finally asleep.

She stayed asleep all night and was so proud of herself the next morning. "I slept with no diddis mummy, I'm such a big girl". So proud of my daughter that kicked the habit...

So I know you don't read this just because you like to know about my kids, (except for you mum and dad...hiii!) you read this because you want to have learnt something. So what can I offer..?

Well I'm going to share my answers to questions I've been asked about transitioning to a bed. 

Q: My child loves the new freedom and keeps getting out of bed. What do I do?

A:  From the get-go don't stand for this. Give them a quick hug and return the child to bed. It may keep happening but persevere. Don't talk to them, don't reason, don't explain, don't get angry but make sure they know its not cute either. Do not make a game out of it. Keep it predictable and boring and they will tire of it pretty quickly. 

Q: How do I know when my child is ready to transition from the cot to a bed?

A: Your child should be approximately 2.5 give or take a few months as this is the average age a child has the cognitive ability to understand the rule of staying in bed all night. Much earlier than this and you can't expect them to stay in and not get out.  They should be good sleepers and are sleeping through preferably. If they climb out of the cot you have to make the transition for their safety and lastly the best sign about being ready is that they want to do it. 

     Q: What kind of sheets are best?

     A: I am actually asked this question and let me tell you, it doesn't matter. Just let them be involved in choosing them. (and then be prepared for Dora or Ben Ten sheets). 

     Q: Ok I'm going to do it tonight...anything else I need to know?

     A: Just make sure the room is safety proof now that they can get out. Make sure there is nothing that they can climb up or that can fall on them. 

   That it from me, 

   Good Luck and Sweet Dreams, 

   BEC

      If you would like to ask any sleep advice for your infant feel free to contact me but liking my page on Facebook Bellies and Beyond or through my website www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

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