Bible in a Blog..Ten Commandments of starting preschool or daycare.

In BC (Before Children) I was actually a preschool teacher, I have taught at several schools and day cares and therefore I can say that I know a fair bit about 1st days...or first weeks really. 
I have seen it all, children crying and holding on to their mothers, mothers crying and holding on to their children, mothers throwing their hands up in the air and saying they weren't ready, picking up their children and leaving with them, mothers staying the entire day unable to let go and my all time favourite - the mother who cries because her child doesn't. 

I thought that mothers would appreciate some tips for the first days and weeks to help settle..

1. Don't just spring it on them. In the lead up, talk to your child about changing day cares or moving to preschool. Don't speak about it so much that they feel anxious but definitely talk about it with them so they know whats happening. Don't underestimate how much they understand. Speak positively at all times. 
2. Take on the routine of "one activity together and then kiss, cuddle and goodbye". This is probably the key point to this whole blog. It's important for your child to know that they are not just being dumped in this strange place and you'll see them at some point in the future (remember they don't have a concept of time). I know mothers have to run off to feed babies, go to work or if they are lucky for a quiet coffee somewhere but if you invest a little time, I promise you it will be worthwhile. So aim to spend 10 minutes on an activity before leaving. Put your phone on silent and just enjoy the time with your child. At this minute, believe there is nothing more important than that play dough ball you are making or that puzzle piece that doesn't fit.  Let your child choose the activity that you can do together.  Once they are happily involved in the activity or have found a little friend to play with, that is your perfect time to tell them you need to go. 
3. Once you say goodbye, you go. Don't stop and chat to another mother, don't use this as your time to start talking to the teacher, don't take a call on your phone and fight your urge to stand somewhere semi hidden and spy on your child. Take note from Genesis 19:17 where it says "Do not look behind you, and do not stay anywhere in the valley; escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away". Learn from Ruth and do NOT look back! 
4. Never duck out without saying goodbye, yes this is nice for you that your child is so busy they can't even look up to wave but it will become the teachers problem when your child does eventually look up and you have disappeared.
5. Pack lunches you know they will love in the beginning, this is not the time to start being adventurous and trying to get them to expand their (fussy) food choices. You just want them to love their day and everything about it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A VEGEMITE SANDWICH! 
6. If possible do not leave them for such long days in the beginning. Just because it closes at 5:30pm doesn't mean that you only have to pick them up at 5:20. You want your child to go home remembering what a fun day they had and not how they sat at the gate waiting for you and wondering when you would pitch up. 
7. Don't cry in front of them..even if the anxiety is eating you up inside, keep it inside! As soon as that door closes and you are out of there, I give you full permission to burst out crying! Sob yourself silly!
8. It's always a lovely idea to put a photo of yourself in their bag or even in their pocket. Tell them that if they ever get sad that they can look at it. I have also seen mothers give a little something of their own to their child. It can be as simple as their hair tie that they had that morning or a bangle they had around their wrist. All these little things will just make them feel like you are with them and they will take comfort from that. Give them something to look forward to, something you can tell them in the morning to keep them excited all day.. Maybe you can bring a grandparent to pick up with you or you can tell them you will take them for a baby cino straight after pick up...
9. If the school allows it, let them have their comforter in their bags. Don't stress about them having it forever, we can deal with that problem later.. Once they are settled and happy my bets are that they won't want it anymore.
10. If possible, try and just take that child so you can completely focus on them. I know this is not easy for a lot of mothers but those of you that do have some kind of help, this would be a perfect time to use them. Rather than chasing the baby around the kindergarten and saving them from sticking their heads in paint pots,see if you can even meet a grandparent outside who can take the baby off your hands for 10 minutes so that you can do that one special activity and totally focus on your preschooler. Easier said than done I know.. 

Here's a link to some healthy lunch box ideas.. (I did read this and really got some good ideas - pity it didn't translate - A friend had to bail me out and make a vegemite and cheese sandwhich today because this Bellies and Beyond mother totally forgot to buy fresh bread). Either way this site makes for some good inspiration..
http://www.kidspot.com.au/Back-to-School-Lunch-box-nutrition-Nutrition-and-school-children+3942+181+article.htm?gclid=COaa17fxjbwCFQ4AvAodmF8AWA

Keep in mind that all children are different and respect that about them. My oldest brother is famous for saying to my mum before his first day"drop me at the gate and don't kiss me" whilst my other brother cried every morning for the duration of preschool. He sobbed just till my mum was out the door and then would start playing - typical middle child! And with me... well my mum doesn't remember what happened when I started. (And that's typical of a third child isn't it?)

I have just gotten back from dropping Mikah at Pre-school, her day 1. It went fabulously and I was even surprised with just how confident she was. Yes I was sad (well gutted to be honest) that she's growing up so quickly and I'm becoming more redundant but I am just so excited for her. What is better then playing all day? Painting, colouring, exploring, imagining, building friendships, making connections, being curious..she is learning her first life lessons and I couldn't be prouder. And yes I was that mother that shed a little tear because her daughter didn't...

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca Abraham, known to clients as a "baby expert". Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for. 

Rebecca has completed the Gentle Sleep Coach course which is a one of the most comprehensive and few dedicated sleep courses in the world, learning from Kim West herself as well as top lactation specialists, newborn experts and several leading paediatrians.

Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child. 

Most importantly, she is a mother to two sleeping beauties Mikah and Rafaella.

10 miscarriages later.. Some Do's and Don'ts

Since I posted my blog last week, the response has been completely overwhelming. Your messages in my inbox, my emails and the words from friends were completely heartening and uplifting. There was one particular mother who completely blew me away and now she is writing this blog for all my amazing Bellies & Beyond followers. We mothers are so tough on ourselves and feel threatened by anything perceived as weakness and this makes our
struggles even greater. Lets stop pushing all these issues underground and speak up to help heal ourselves and others..

After recently reading a blog by an inspirational mum who 'came out' about experiencing PND after the birth of her second child I felt moved to write about another stigma, one, that if more openly discussed would empower  the women experiencing emotions that are associated with infertility , miscarriage and stillbirth to feel somewhat normal.

A couple of nights ago on New Year's Eve as I was clearing up from dinner, a loud raucous affair with family and friends I casually remarked that it had been 12 years to the day that I had experienced my first miscarriage. My announcement was met with a combination of silence and some very quick subject changing. It appeared that even my closest family and friends were not going to go there. Inappropriate party discussion? Or inappropriate altogether? Seems mystifying when 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. My first miscarriage unfortunately was not my last and after my second child was born I experienced another 9 miscarriages. 3 years of my life disappeared in a fog of grief and loss. Friendships were lost, others strengthened but through it all I was unable to share with anyone just how devastated and diminished I was.

Most women who experience miscarriage or infertility will do so in an environment of perceived baby making bliss. Friends, sisters and cousins will seamlessly be conceiving carrying and delivering healthy beautiful babies, what nobody talks about is how long it took to conceive these precious bundles nor of how many babies might have been lost along the way.

Miscarriage is still one of society’s greatest sources of disenfranchised grief. Maybe it is because no one really knows what causes a miscarriage often leaving the woman feeling that it is something that she must have done From a personal and a professional level I have both experienced and seen women finding bizarre and outlandish reasons to explain why they miscarried, perhaps the best ‘worst’ reason was the woman who knew she had eaten 1 too many bags of twisties in the early days of her pregnancy. As a counsellor now and having worked through years of pain myself, I can confidently say that no one sets out to miscarry and that when it happens there is nothing to be ashamed of.

So why then does no one talk about how they feel when their baby dies? I wish someone would have spoken to me and told me that feeling utter despair, gut wrenching sadness and impassioned anger was all normal. Why did no one reach out and tell me that they understood that I was fragile, that they could empathise with my belief that I would never have another baby that they could understand that my confidence was gone but that one day with time it would not feel so bleak. Is it because as a society we cannot cope with other people’s pain or is it a lack of education that prevents people from responding helpfully?

When an old or sick person dies there are phrases that can be delivered to loved ones to make them feel better – ‘They have gone to a better place”, “they are no longer suffering”, “they lived a good life” and on and on but when a pregnancy ends or a baby dies these phrases are inappropriate and for the most part are replaced with platitudes that are useless to the grieving parent, - :it wasn’t meant to be”, “it’s better now than later”, “there must have been a problem”, “it’s god’s way” … I can tell you having heard them all and then some these one liners are unhelpful and offer no support or solace.

I know that I cannot revolutionise the stigma surrounding miscarriage but for anyone reading this on either side of the fence here is some advice.

 If you have had a miscarriage -:

It’s ok to feel completely devastated

It’s ok to hide away from well-meaning family and friends and give yourself space to process and grieve your loss. You have not only lost your baby but all the hopes and dreams that you had for your child.

It’s ok to be the green eyed monster and be jealous of anyone who has a baby or announces a new pregnancy

It’s ok to have days where all you do is cry even a few months after the miscarriage

Its ok to feel disconnected from your other children, this does not make you a bad parent

It’s ok to grieve differently to your partner and to let them know that you are not coping

It’s ok to get ridiculously angry for no reason at all

It’s ok to feel like you need to control every other aspect of your life

It’s ok to question why this happened to you

It’s ok to lose your confidence in other areas of your life

It’s ok to feel like a failure as a woman

It’s ok to believe that you will never have a baby

It’s ok to be obsessed with conceiving another baby

It’s ok to never want to try and have another baby

It’s ok to want to obsessively hold and cuddle other people’s babies

It’s ok to not want to even look at anyone else’s baby

It’s ok to want someone to guarantee that it will never happen again and Its ok to feel completely out of control when no one can do this

It’s ok to feel none of the above and to move on from the experience with little effect to your life.

For most people a miscarriage or a stillbirth (pregnancy that ends after 20 weeks) is a devastating event, unfortunately for people who have not been through something similar it is hard to understand how you can be devastated or miss someone that you never even knew. If you are reading this as a support person here are some suggestions for things to say and do and also some advice on what is unhelpful. -:

Offer practical support, cooking, cleaning and looking after other children

Listen without feeling like you need to say something to take the pain away (there is nothing that you can say)

Avoid platitudes, no parent who has lost a pregnancy feels like it was for the best

Don’t force the person to do things like go shopping because you think that they need to get out of the house.

Don’t panic if it feels like all they do is cry, grief and depression are NOT the same thing and most people who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth will not become depressed

Don’t avoid talking about the pregnancy in case you upset them, they are upset anyway

Don’t offer helpful suggestions of what they could do differently next time it only serves to reinforce the feeling that they did something wrong this time

Don’t force them to move on, most people do so anyway but for everyone the time that this takes is different

Don’t feel like you have to announce other peoples’ pregnancies, eventually they will hear about their friends’ pregnancies – you cannot protect them from the pain.

Encourage them to seek professional counselling help, sometimes just 1 or 2 sessions with a professional who understands can be invaluable.

Whilst the above lists are comprehensive they are by no means exhaustive. We are all individuals and will process the emotions surrounding devastating experiences differently. If I have learnt anything on my journey it is that no 2 people are the same, no one can share in exactly how you are feeling and no one can tell you that everything will be ok. I do know unequivocally though that time is a great healer and that experiencing sadness reinforces resilience, I also know without a doubt that if more people shared honestly about their experiences of miscarriage there would be less stigma surrounding what is a common everyday experience when you are trying to have a baby.

Terry Diamond is a 41 year old mum of 3. After experiencing many years of secondary infertility and loss she returned to study counselling in the hope that she could help other women experiencing similar problems. She has worked as a bereavement counsellor in the infertility and loss field for 5 years dealing specifically with pregnancy loss from conception to the age of 6. She works in private practice in Sydney’s Eastern suburbs and can be contacted on 0414990243

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca Abraham, known to clients as a "baby expert". Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for. 

Rebecca has completed the Gentle Sleep Coach course which is a one of the most comprehensive and few dedicated sleep courses in the world, learning from Kim West herself as well as top lactation specialists, newborn experts and several leading paediatrians.

Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child. 

Most importantly, she is a mother to two sleeping beauties Mikah and Rafaella.

Like Bellies and Beyond on Facebook for sleep tips and to connect with Rebecca. 

It won't be like this forever...

I often am reluctant about blogging about anything that personal because I'm very conscious of the fact that one day my girls will be able to read whatever I put out into the cyber universe. By the time they can read they will probably be able to download it straight it to their glasses or whatever Apple will think of next, but however it may present - they will know what their mother thought in January 2014.


So let me open with.. Rafaella - you are the most loved princess. You have stolen my heart and you completely own it. Don't forget that. But... I want to tell other mothers about the rough time I had with you just in case there is another mother sitting at home feeling the same way. Your name means healer and maybe you might just do exactly that even at age one. Heal someone. 

My friends and family know that Rafaella came as a big surprise. Let me take you back to before I had Mikah. We tried and eventually were told by our fertility specialist that it was unlikely we would ever conceive naturally, "maybe if you tried for 20 years you MIGHT have one baby" was the exact words of the doctor. Then it happened - we had one our one baby, Mikah! We were thrilled, we had her and obsessed over her and just after her first birthday found out that we were pregnant again..WHAT!


This is where everything changed.. When I broke the news to my parents I asked them to not even hug me, I wasn't ready for excitement, no one was allowed to be happy until I was. I was freaking out.. We were about to move away for 6 months, my husband works very long hours, we couldn't afford another baby, we would have to move to a bigger place, Mikah was still just a baby herself... the list went on and on. I really felt guilty when my mind started wondering over to "I've just lost all the weight. As if I want to actually get fat again". With every thought I felt worse and worse about myself. I kept saying to myself "if you had told infertile Bec that she would have two babies in two years, SHE would have been delighted".

I then moved to a rural country town because of my husbands job. I resented my pregnancy because I had a hernia and was told not to lift, yep great! I had a 17 month old baby that hadn't decided to start walking yet. I was filled with anxiety about what lay ahead. I kept hoping that as soon as I gave birth to my beautiful baby I would just fall madly in love and I would live happily ever after.

Kind of happened but not really... 

I had a wonderful labour which resulted in the most empowering moment of my life where I actually got to reach down and pull out my baby and bring her onto my naked chest where at once she started feeding (Kardashian Fans doesn't it sound familiar..Yes I am basically Kourtney). I was thrilled that it was another girl and left hospital on the morning of day 3 because I just couldn't wait to be at home with my beautiful family. I even stopped off on the way home for lunch with my very newborn in a cafe. By the next morning I was out at Fox Studios with my family. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing and was my best coping mechanism for the first week or so.  

Things changed really quickly though and my friend adrenalin fused into my enemy exhaustion. The days rolled into the nights and the nights into the next day. I kept thinking of that atrocious Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day where he finds himself repeating each day again and again... eventually he looks at his life and his priorities and has some epiphanies. I didn't get to that insightful part - I didn't have the energy to think deeply, I felt like I was a robot and just had to perform repetitive commands. Breastfeed baby, dress older child, pour milk and cereal, put baby to sleep, give Mikah attention, put Mikah to sleep, take both to coles etc etc... and somewhere in there I still had to shower and dress and be a wife, a daughter, a friend, run a home... It wasn't long before I began to feel overwhelmed. I was sinking into this awful despondency and soon each day felt like a relentless and repetitive tidal wave flowing over me... the minutes, hours, days, weeks were difficult to distinguish... the aim of each day was simply to survive and rise above these feelings... it was exhausting, life was suffocating me...

I also remember seeing my mum leave my house in tears... she was nothing but help and support for me but as soon as I said that I was hating this whole experience she immediately got upset. She was so disappointed and angry about my self-pity. Initially I was upset with her, I felt like it wasn't her place to get upset. I was the one was entitled to be upset. I was the one having the hard time. I was the one waking up for kids. I was the one not coping. But at that stage of my life I had in a way become like a toddler, I couldn't see beyond myself. I now understand how upsetting it would be to see your daughter not enjoying her little children, her little miracles that she believed she couldn't have. It led to more guilt..I was drowning in guilt. 

I started my own little mantra that I would find myself repeating over and over when I needed to. "It won't be like this forever". I would take a minute when things felt overwhelming to calm myself and keep saying it. I taught it to my husband and I think he adapted to me rather than the kids, "she won't be like this forever". Earl if you are reading this (which you better be!) YOU. WERE. FABULOUS. What would I do without you my amazing rock!

The perfect mother. (Not ME)

Then the trifecta happened, severe reflux/allergies/asthma. More medicines, constant screaming (for Rafaella and for me) and of course profound exhaustion. I remember asking my husband who is actually a Dr.. "is this normal, am I meant to feel like this"...but as soon as the words had come out my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I wanted to be the omnipotent woman that he would be proud to call the mother of his children. I didn't want to stress him out even more than he was. 

In hindsight, the best thing I could have done for myself, my husband and my children was to march myself off to the dr and seek professional help but I saw it as being weak. I now know that I definately dabbled in some aspects of anti-natal and post-natal depression. I wasn't connecting with Rafi like I had with Mikah. I of course loved her insanely but I wasn't able to tap into the joy that she gave me. It didn't come as naturally or as quickly. Which brings me to the message I wanted to get through to other mothers that may be feeling like this... You don't have to be sitting in a room by yourself and crying at every moment to know that you need help. There is so much help available - take it! Don't be too proud! Don't think it makes you a weak mother but rather realise that this makes you the best mother in the world. It is actually something that brings mothers of all generations together. 50 years ago they called it a nervous breakdown, now its known as PND and by the time my girls are of child bearing age it will probably be called something else (and there will probably be an Iphone App to help it!). 

The Raising Children Network says that PND is caused by a combination of biological, psychological and social factors. It really changed my spirit. It took me from being a spirited, happy, relatively chilled mother into someone that struggled to enjoy and be content with myself. It made me feel guilty and anxious and just disappointed with myself. It was a general feeling of inadequacy. I can't even imagine what really bad PND would do to a mother because mine was truely just a dabble but it was bad enough that its taken me the better part of a year to talk about it. 

So thank you for reading this, even writing this has helped to heal me. I feel like I can look back at it as the past and now focus on the future. See Rafi..More healing. 

Rafaella is known to me as "my cherry on top". Mikah was my ice-cream Sundae and Rafaella was the bonus cherry on top. She melts me on a daily basis. So Rafi if you are reading this off some new apple I-something please know that you are so loved and and I thank the heavens for you daily. I still sometimes catch myself saying my mantra but in a whole different context. Those moments when you put your head on my shoulder when you are tired I remind myself that it won't be like this forever, when you are clingy and just want me I remember that it won't be like this forever and when you smile every morning when I walk in to take you out of your cot I have to pinch myself that it won't be like this forever.

Forever your loving mummy, 

Sweet Dreams my beautiful Rafaella Noa,

If you or anyone you know are experiencing any PND symptoms please seek immediate help from a health professional, and also have a look at www.panda.org.au. They are a fabulous organisation and really can help you. 

www.belliesandbeyond.com.au

Rebecca Abraham, known to clients as a "baby expert". Rebecca has implemented an easy-to-follow and gentle approach for both parent and child. Taught by sleep guru Kim West (author of Good Night, Sleep Tight) she believes she will have the sleep solutions you exhausted parents are looking for. 

Rebecca has completed the Gentle Sleep Coach course which is a one of the most comprehensive and few dedicated sleep courses in the world, learning from Kim West herself as well as top lactation specialists, newborn experts and several leading paediatrians.

Drawing upon her training as an early childhood educator, infant massage therapist, pre- and post-natal doula and sleep consultant, she has a uniquely multidisciplinary approach to your issues and thus can help you and your family develop a personalized and holistic sleep plan that suits you and your child. 

Most importantly, she is a mother to two sleeping beauties Mikah and Rafaella.

Like Bellies and Beyond on Facebook for sleep tips and to connect with Rebecca.